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 In Hashavua Article

As we begin to close the second decade of the 21st century, in reviewing recent research, the school’s educational administration, with full support of teachers and building maintenance, recognizes that learning needs have changed with the times.

Therefore, beginning with the coming school year, rather than focusing on the whole child equally, the greatest emphasis will be put on those skills needed to succeed in the future. As has been the case for decades, success in life is strongly correlated with admissions to a top tier university. Going forward, academic decisions will be based on this and only this criteria: Will this educational decision increase the likelihood of the child being admitted to an ivy league (or equivalent institution, such as Stanford or the University of Chicago). As an independent school, public university acceptances will not be an acceptable outcome.

As such, we will be adjusting curriculum to begin preparation for SAT testing, beginning in kindergarten, with the addition of daily bubble testing, so that students are prepared not only for multiple choice type exams, but are equipped with the proper techniques of exertion so that the appropriate amount of lead is extracted from the pencil to  produce lead filled bubble for scanners to record correct answers.

In addition, student portfolios will be intensified across grades to allow appropriate supplemental evidence for students so that they may stand out to admissions committees. Special sessions will be devoted to the enhancing of Photoshop techniques to allow for students to present themselves in ways that would be enticing for college admissions, such as the superimposing of student headshots on the bodies of successful athletes with appropriate attention to details of lighting and angle. These “aspirational photos” may help attract the attention of college athletic recruiters, who may be attracted to said candidates, especially if such portfolios include special pages devoted to monetary incentive (see below).

A special class will be added beginning in third grade to focus on fundraising skills. Young children have untapped potential in this realm, and now more than ever personal fundraising is crucial. Empowering students to raise their own capital to use as college admissions incentives will become even more important than ever in securing a spot in an elite post-secondary institute. If enough money is not raised to sponsor a new library or wing at the medical school, there should at least be enough money available to use as incentive to college athletic recruiters (see above). At minimum, students should graduate Yavneh with seed money that, if invested properly, should yield enough funds to support the hiring of an alternate adult to complete standardized testing in the student’s name.

While the initiatives outlined above have been inspired by recent headlines, please rest assured that we have no intention of implementing any of the above (although we may actually put a bit more effort into personal portfolios in the future). This column is simply an annual Purim custom of satire and a celebration of the absurd.

Chag Purim Sameach and Shabbat Shalom,

Waldo (AKA Zvi)